The new year starts tomorrow.  Holy crazy!  I can't  believe how many unexpected twists and turns my life has taken this year.  I look at where I was last year this time and where I am now and I am so proud of certain accomplishments I've made and so frustrated with myself for all the many mistakes I have made. 
Accomplishments:
I love my body!  I still have my moments but my confidence is better than it's been in a long time.
I have an amazing job.
I have my own apartment.
I have picked a major.
I have performed a high soprano Italian song in front of an audience.
I was a featured dancer in a play.
I competed in a pageant.
I have managed to stop feeling the need to have a man to complete me.
I have gained control over my illness for the most part.

Failures:
I didn't learn to play guitar.
I became addicted to diet coke.
I stop exercising after the pageant.
I made mistakes with boys.
I fell away from the church.
I drank alcohol.
I smoked a cigarette.
I failed a class.
And a variety of other bad things.

So my resolutions for this year:
Go to church.
Overcome addictions (including but not limited to diet coke, coffee, and bad movies).
Exercise at least 3 times a week.
Eat better.  And stop starving myself.
Be in another pageant.
Learn to play the guitar.
No more mistakes with boys.
No drinking.
No smoking.
Go to Institute.
Get better grades.
Clean up the language.
Clean up the apartment.
Pay off debt.
Love my fellow men.
Hike Angel's Landing.
Go to Disneyland.
Be a better person.

I think these are things I can do.  I will need to be strong.  But I know I can.  And so help me, I WILL learn to play the guitar this year!

I'm experiencing some serious heart ache right now.  I feel like my life should be going in a different direction.  I feel like it's time to make changes in my life.  I keep telling myself, "when I'm ready, when I'm ready," but will that ever happen?  Will I ever be completely ready?  I don't know.  I've reached a fork in the road of my life once again.  I want to go back to the spiritual person who I once was, especially after talking to Nichele today.  Her spirit is so beautiful and her testimony is so strong.  I want to shine the way she does.  But I want these things of the world.  I want to experience things.  I want to give myself to someone because I know it's important to him.  Why am I even speculating about this imaginary relationship that has yet to happen?  That may never happen.  That I don't have to let happen if I don't want it to.  But I do want it to.  Sort of.  But I also want to be strong.  I want to be a light unto men.  I want to fulfill my goals in righteousness.  I feel like I'm being pulled into two opposite directions and while the easiest and most safe path is the right one and I know it's the right one and the one I should take, I find myself not wanting to take it.  I want to take the road most traveled.  And that is truly ridiculous.  I want to talk to God about it but I don't feel worthy to.  I keep making the same mistakes and falling into the same habits and I'm too stubborn to talk to a bishop until I can go to him and say, "I struggled with this but I no longer am."  Mostly right now I'm tired.  I need a new year, a fresh start.  Thank Heaven it's only 3 days away. 

What do you want out of life?


I want everything life has to offer me.  I want all of the opportunities God puts in front of me.  I want to look back on my life at the end of it and know I gave it a damn good shot, in spite of all the foul ups and set backs.  No one looks back on his or her life and thinks, "I wish I did less.  I wish I hadn't experienced that."  At least I don't think so.  I'm not saying I want to make mistakes on purpose and get hurt just for the experience of it.  But I don't want to feel like I missed out on anything.  I want to be happy.  I want to die feeling loved.  I want to feel safe and secure.  I want to know a million useless facts about a million useless things.  I want children who are better and stronger and smarter and more spiritual than I ever have been or will be.  I want a job that fulfills my desire to help others.  I want to meet my maker and thank him for every second of my life that passed.  I want to "live what I love," so to speak.

How do you think people will remember you, when you die?


I think I will be remembered as that funny and slightly bitchy cat lady who was sort of a slut but really free spirited and progressive in her thoughts and actions.

How do you want people to remember you, when you die?


The above sentence suits me fine.  But I would also like to be remembered as a pillar of strength and a positive thinker.  A good wife.  A best friend and trustworthy confidant.  A believer in God with unwavering faith.  A fighter and a supporter.  A brilliant author.  An Amazing Race winner.  A talented actress and a beautiful singer.  An inspiring teacher.  And an excellent mother.

How close are you in proximity to the people you absolutely adore the most?


Are we talking real people or celebrities?  Because the people I adore most include Henry Ian Cusick, Ryan Reynolds, Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway, Kierra Knightley, Colin Firth, and the late Heath Ledger.  Oh, and Shakespeare.  And I am infinite worlds away from all these people.  Except maybe Heath and Shakespeare because they are in Heaven and if I should die right now I would probably go to Heaven.  And while the fact that these people are infinite worlds away from me saddens me a little I am ok with it because I am near those whom I love most.  For the most part.


Alexa: A hop, skip, and a jump away.
Nichele: San Jose, CA.  Quite a bit farther.  I do not get to see her as much as I like but we still keep in touch and I see her whenever she visits AF.
Justin:  Also a hop, skip, and a jump although he may be moving back to American Fork (which in my opinion is a retarded idea).
Mom: 4 hour drive.
Siblings and step father: Also 4 hour drive.
Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma: 5 hour drive.
Becca: 5 hour drive.  
Kiki: 4 hour drive.
Shauna: 4 hour drive.
Raquel: Technically a 4 hour drive but I haven't seen her in almost two years which needs to be amended.
My one true love:  Unknown


For the most part I am satisfied with these results.  Although Becca seems to be more than a 5 hour drive because it takes a lot of courage for me to go see her because my dad is there.  Not that I don't love my dad.  We are in a fight right now although I am certain he doesn't know why.  But if he thought about it just a little bit more I bet he could figure it out.  I would like to see Raquel, my Senior English teacher.  She has been an inspiration in my life and I would love to chat with her.  I am lucky that I can see these people really whenever I want.  It makes life pleasant.  As for my one true love, I will find out soon enough.  Surely he will reveal himself to me and when he does, I need look no further than my hip.

*I don't know if you read this dad but just think about it and you might be able to figure out why I am upset with you.  It has nothing to do with Mom or Richard or Katie.  Just you and me.*

Write a paragraph or two about your ideal weekend/time away from work. Include location, sights, smells, food, activities, and people.


Hmmm.  I have a lot of ideal weekend ideas.  And I have had some ideal weekends.  So perhaps one of each.


Anaheim, California.  Summer.  Alexa, Nichele, and Justin.  I want to go to Disneyland with my three best friends.  I don't know how well they would interact with one another and I am worried Justin would make fun of everything I love about Disney, but this is my ideal weekend and they will all behave.  We stay in the Disneyland Resort and we get to eat all our meals through Disney.  Money is no issue.  Souvenirs for everyone and every family member.  I don't know if you know this about me.  I may have mentioned it once or twice.  But I love Disneyland.  More than any place in the world.  More than New York, DC, or Switzerland combined.  I really do.  And I have no shame in admitting that.  I feel happy at Disneyland.  I feel safe.  I feel so much joy that I can't even begin to describe it.  And I want to go with my best friends and experience this joy together.  Dressed up like Disney characters.  And I mean decked out.  Gowns for girls and something for Justin.  I honestly don't know who his favorite is.  But I will be Aurora and Alexa will be Pocahontas and Nichele will be Belle.  And we will all four run around like crazy children and take pictures and get balloons and eat whatever we want.  And then we will go to the beach.  In our costumes.  Then we can change and swim.  And it will be perfect.  


One ideal weekend I have already had was spent alone in New York City.  I took a night bus from DC and got there at 2 in the morning, pepper spray safely concealed in hand.  I checked into a hostel and got switched from my all girl room to a mixed room and I was too tired to complain.  I woke up early the next morning and drank orange juice on the roof.  I went shopping.  I saw In the Heights on Broadway and Our Town off Broadway.  And even though I missed the first act, I still cried all the way through.  I walked through Central Park, ate pizza, and passed for a citizen.  I felt like one.  I found peace in Strawberry Fields.  One of my bunk mates was an English fellow named Mark.  He wanted to go to a bar.  I was too embarrassed to tell him I wasn't 21 so I said I was tired.  We are facebook friends now. I miss being able to do this.  It was a perfect.  

Do you feel like anything in your life is holding you back from ultimate joy?  List everything.

Fear.  At least when it comes to my love life.  In all other aspects of my life, I am afraid of nothing.  I have been called ballsy more than once.  But I won't take chances on love anymore.  And I have to.  A few posts ago I talked about about who was a "praise the Lord I never but what if."  Well, as everyday passes I think about him more and more.  And my heart feels warm fuzzies that it hasn't felt in a long time.  But I'm scared to go for it.  I know he thinks about me.  I'm not certain about much when it comes to men but of this I am certain.  I know he would accept me.  At least temporarily.  And that is the problem.  I don't know how long it would last.  And I don't know if he would be faithful.  And I don't know if he could ever change.  And if something did happen with him and it did not turn out well it would be the worst heartbreak of my entire life.  Not only because I feel like we have had a deep and spiritual connection, a "living breathing link" so to speak, since we met four years ago.  But also because I am best friends with his sister.  And his mom is a second mother to me.  And I can not afford to lose them in my life.  But I know if I don't go for it I will always regret it.  Fear, however, may stop me.  

My addictions.  I will not go into detail what these are because they are personal and I would rather not ever write about them.  But they cause me to hate myself.  And they give me migraines.  And tummy aches.  And they stop me from sleeping at night.  I must give them up to have ultimate joy.

Resentment toward my father.  I have tried and tried and tried to forgive him.  I have tried and tried and tried to accept him.  But the life he has chosen has hurt me so much.  And his complete disregard for anyone else's feelings hurts me.  And the fact that he is not sorry for all the pain he has caused me and continues to cause me makes it hard for me to love him.

My obsession with body image.  I will never be happy with my weight.  It does not matter how thin I am or how good I look.  I always think I can look better.  

I think that is all for the moment.

What do you feel is your greatest personality trait?


I am oh so passionate.  About everything in my life.  The books I read, the shows I watch, the music I listen to, the movies I love.  All these things are more to me than just distractions.  They are a part of who I am fundamentally.  My job is my life.  School is my life.  My friends; I love them to the point of tears.  My family; I love them to the point of open weeping.  I have such a fervor for life and every aspect of it.

And there is nothing I can do at this point.

"Hallelujah"

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

It has been so long. . .

. . . oh so very long since I have posted.  Can I just please say that this past week, well past two weeks, have been Hellboy on Ice?  Oh gosh.  So much traveling, so much snow, and so little sleep.  But now it is done and now my mom is visiting and life is calm once again.  So now to my question:

What do you feel is your greatest skill?


Loaded, loaded question.  I do have so many great ones :P  But seriously, I do.  I am so proud of myself nowadays.  I have developed the ability to move on from the past.  The ability to manage my illness.  The ability to know what I want.  But I think my very absolute greatest skill is to love everyone and empathize with them.  I have been given the gift of empathy.  It says so in my patriarchal blessing.  And it is a great, if not absolutely horrifying, gift.  I cannot only feel bad for someone but I can feel his or her pain.  I don't know how.  I have not experienced so much in my short life.  Definitely not being gay or having an abortion or losing a child or being an alcoholic or homeless or terminal.  But I know what it feels like.  And I cry for them.  I don't understand it and it can be so awful sometimes.  I can see a person in the store and not even speak a word to him but know the pain he is going through.  And I go home and cry and cry and pray for him.
It is a difficult skill to manage and it causes me a lot of pain, but at the end of the day, I am so grateful I have it.  It makes me see the world in a way I am not sure many people can.  It is why I am such a bleeding heart liberal. And why I am a Mormon.  So yes.  That is my greatest, awfullest, most challenging, most wonderful gift.

So it's been like 8 years since I last posted because I was with my family for Thanksgiving and they didn't have internet this week.  It was actually a really nice little break from everything.  But, some interesting news.  Remember that "what if" boy?  Well, I ran into his step-sister over break and got his email!  So now I can write him and stop that awful nagging feeling that I need to.  He gets home from his mission in 16 days though so it may be pointless to write him but I don't really care.  Next question is too long.  I am tired and will post tomorrow.  I just had to update in case my readers (right) were worried about me.

Do you like what you are doing for money?


I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!  Well, jobs.  I have worked at Gold's Gym in St. George for over a year (I also worked at the one in AF for a year).  I love the kids, the coworkers, the big boss lady, and everything about it.  I especially love the free pass.  I make minimum wage there, but it's nice to have a little bit of extra money.  I also work for St. George Community Education.  I am the After School Program coordinator.  It is a lot of work, a lot of travel, and very time consuming.  For the first time in my college life, I have let my grades slip.  It's because I work all the time.  That should let anyone who knows me understand how much I love my job.  My grades have always come first.  I have cut my hours back and even quit jobs in the past to keep my grades up.  So. . . yeah.  I am having a great time.  I think teaching will combine the best of both of these jobs into one complete little package with better hours.  At least that's what I hope.  Oh yes, and the money is good.  Very very good.

What is one quality about your parents that you really do not like?


My dad's irresponsibility and childish tendencies.
My mom's flakiness.
Richard's passive aggressive behavior.

One of my most amazing and darling and oldest friends, Ashley St. John and her husband D.J. had a baby today.  His name is Jack Michael.  I love him already.  I'm so happy right now, I can't even explain it.

Two of my best friends had their records removed from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints today.  I feel sad.  But I am grateful to the Lord for the gift of Agency.  The life they are choosing to live is not in accordance with the church doctrines, so it seems logical that they have their records removed.  I am not saying it is a bad thing.  For them it is right.  I just hate that they left the church with all sorts of misconceptions.  Justin said to me, "they say that they revoke all of your 'blessings' that you've ever received," or something to that affect.  But that's not true.  What they say is that you relinquish your right to hold the Holy Ghost, hold the Priesthood, and receive Temple blessings.  The church does not and cannot take away anything God gave to you freely including blessings.  God blesses people who are not members everyday.  What the church does is let you know that since you are not keeping your half of the covenants you made, God doesn't have to keep his half.  If that makes sense.  It just really bothered me how upset Justin was with the church "taking away" his blessings when in the same breath he said he didn't even believe in them.  And I hate that I can never try to talk to him about the gospel again.  And I hate that he has forgotten about all the times he felt the spirit in his life.  And above all else, I hate that he doesn't believe in God anymore.

What is one quality of your parents that you really love?


Mom: Her passion for her children.  She will do anything to make sure that we are happy even if it is detrimental to her health.  And her sense of humor which I inherited.
Richard: His steadfastness and his work ethic.  His willingness to love me and my siblings even though he doesn't have to.
Dad: His love of the arts and education which he so willingly passed on to me.  And his eyes.  Which I have.

Happily Ever After

I spent the day watching romantic comedies.  It was very enjoyable but also a form of torture.  Everybody says life isn't like the movies.  But you know what?  I think it is.  Because in all of the movies I watched today (Penelope, When in Rome, Confessions of a Shopaholic), the heroine went through some major struggles before falling in love including, but not limited to, living with a pig nose, having her heart broken over and over again, and some serious debt.  And these ladies ended up with James Mcavoy, Josh Duhamel, and Hugh Dancy.  So they did pretty well in spite of their circumstances.  And I will too.  And my marriage will last much longer than all of my friends who are my age or younger and already married or planning on getting married.  Because I am living my life.  I am discovering who I am without depending on a man to define me.  I am overcoming my struggles not by settling and getting married but by working hard and learning lessons.  My life will make sense someday.  And someday I will meet a man who does not need me.  And I will not need him.  And we will be happy together.  Not because we complete one another but because we complement each other.  And that will be my happily ever after.  And I can wait for that.

Do you believe you can have your cake and eat it too?
I have never understood this idiom and therefore never used it.  So in order to answer this question, I looked it up online.  It supposedly means "you can't have it both ways."  An example often cited is that of an engaged person still wanting to date other people.  Others have recommended switching the phrase and saying "you can't eat your cake and have it too" as in you can't eat it and save it for later.  This question is sort of lost on me.  I don't think it is right to date when you are engaged, but surely that cannot be the only way in which to use this saying.  Perhaps I will use school.  You can't get good grades and play all the time too.  Well, I beg to differ.  I have lots of fun in school and I get good grades.  But I don't party ALL the time and I sometimes have to blow off my friends to do homework.  Okay, work.  You can't have a good job and work hard and get paid well and still enjoy what you do.  I can see this a little bit more, considering I want to be a teacher.  Anything else that would pay more is not something I really want to do.  But I enjoy the work I do.  And I make enough money to support myself and pay my debts and have some extra, so I suppose this is alright for now.  Love life.  You can't expect to meet Mr. Right without doing a little footwork yourself.  True true.  So perhaps for this saying to mean more to me, it should be more like, "You can't eat a cake that is super high calorie and expect to stay thin."  Meaning you can't expect everything to be easy.  If you want to eat your cake you have to exercise.  But you can still have your cake and eat it.  As long as you exercise.  Or don't eat as much.  If I want good grades I have to do my homework.  If I want a job which I enjoy I have to accept a lower salary. If I want to meet the man of my dreams I have to get off my ass.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that in all aspects of life, compromise and diligence are key.

What kind of weather do you like?
I like the kind of weather that is not weather.  I like dry heat.  No humidity.  No cold or chill whatsoever.  Maybe a light breeze.  No rain, no snow, no sleet, no hail.  Just warm.  I like fall in theory, but unless I am bundled up in several layers of clothing, gloves, and hats and holding a piping hot mug of cocoa, I do not like it in reality.  Snow can kiss my butt.  That is why I live in St. George.  I belong in the desert.  And the desert is probably where I will stay.

How comfortable are you in your town/city?  State?

Woah Nelly, where do I begin?  This is so difficult for me to even think about answering.  I hate Utah.  I hate the politicians, the hypocrites, the rebels, the general population.  I hate the extreme cold and snow and slush.  I hate that there isn't an ocean.  But I love that my whole family lives near here.  I love that I can see them without having to get on a plane.  That was the hardest part about being a nanny in D.C.  I missed my family so much more because they were so out of reach.  Now I've finally found a city that I actually enjoy living in that is not too far away or too close either; St. George!  Salt Lake was cool and fun but it was so trendy it hurt.  Everyone there thinks they are the shit.  It is also so frigidly cold.  St. George on the other hand is so cool and fun and CHILL.  Need I say CHILL again?  Oh I love it.  It is so warm; even in winter it doesn't get that bad.  Sure, we have our fair share of bigots but for the most part, people here could care less.  There is so much to do outdoors.  Yeah, everything closes at 9 and there are no clubs, but Vegas is only an hour and half away.  So yes.  I am very comfortable with my city.  For now.  But I don't want to raise my children in Utah.  I don't want to have to vote in Utah anymore either.  I would like to move somewhere close but far away at the same time.  Maybe Washington or New Mexico or Colorado or So. Cal.  Just not Arizona.  But for now, St. George'll do.

How comfortable are you in your home?
I really love my apartment.  I love living on my own.  I have this freedom to be as anti-social and quiet as I want.  I can practice loud screaming monologues or belt-y broadway tunes without bothering my roommates.  I don't have to deal with parties that I don't want to have or drunk roommates or messes that don't belong to me.  While my place is by no means the perfect example of a fine place to live (I am on a college student's budget), it is mine.  And it suits me fine thank you.

What is your fondest childhood memory?  Who was there?  What was going on?

What a loaded question.  That should be an easy one.  Especially because my childhood wasn't especially bad.  It is odd to me how the older I get, the more I forget.  Scratch that.  The more I forget the good things and only remember the bad things.  My childhood was not rife with hardships, it was just the victim of two parents who were not in love anymore.  But I look at pictures of myself when I was young and oh did I ever smile big.  I was such a funny kid!  I'm always looking so mischievous.  There is this one picture of me and my uncle Trenton on Halloween when I was 4 or 5.  He's looking off somewhere and I'm standing to his side, looking sneakily/smugly in his direction like I'm plotting some dastardly funny deed.  It's brilliant!  And from what I remember, that is exactly what it was like all the time.  I thought I was a grown up from the time I was 2.  So I grew up early.  Partially because I had to and partially because I've just always been a little mature for my age.  So I will write about a childhood memory in which I am the epitome of a child.  I cannot remember anything except pure, unadulterated, youthful joy from this day.  It was when I went to Disneyland for the first time.  Well, the first time I can remember.  I was 6 months the first time I went.  This memory happened when I was 9.  My family had just moved to California.  I remember waking up super early because I was so excited and putting on a purple outfit.  Purple shorts (who knows where those came from) and a purple tank top.  I even rationalized that I had to wear a tank top (technically against my religious dress code) because it would be so hot, which it really wasn't.  I woke my parents up at like 7 and told them we had to go.  They said that maybe we wouldn't; it was supposed to rain.  I suspect they didn't want to go because they were frightened by their hysterically excited daughter.  Oh no, that was not happening.  We were going!  I dragged them out of bed and got my brothers and sisters ready.  I actually don't remember much of Disneyland itself except for getting there, seeing the castle, and freaking out.  It was the build up that was the most exciting.  A truly happy memory because if anybody knows me, they know I LOVE Disneyland.  It is my happy place.

Live What You Love

My dear friend Alexa Winn inspired me a little bit by the way she is writing her blog right now.  She has had a month of prompts that ask questions about life.  I found this list while "stumbling" one night and I thought that I would follow suit.  www.tiadpeterson.com/live-what-you-love-50-questions-to-ask-yourself/
Thanks Lexa!  I hope you don't mind that I'm sort of copying you.

Question 1:
How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment?

    I'm going to take this more philosophically than literally.  Because at this moment I'm writing my blog before bed while listening to a "nostalgic" playlist on StereoMood.  And I feel fine about that.  But when it comes to life in general, that is a little bit more tricky I suppose.
    At this point in time in my life I am very successfully pursuing my career through work and school.  I am more financially secure than I have ever been.  I am finally very confident in my appearance and my personality.  I am getting along with my mom and dad.  So by all accounts, I should feel excellent and very proud.  And I do.  Feel proud anyway.  But excellence is a bit far off.
     I am also currently pining over a man with whom it would be absolutely foolish to pursue anything, even friendship and yet, I find myself planning how I'm going to tell him I love him and he will change and we will live happily ever after, every night.  I don't feel good about that.  I feel dumb actually.  Because I am about to dive in very deep water, without a life jacket or flotation device, knowing full well that I am prone to drowning.  It feels very reminiscent of past situations I have gotten myself into.
     I am not where I would like to be spiritually in my life.  I don't go to church anymore and I have stopped actively trying to live my life the way I should.  I use the word "should" not in the sense that people are telling me I "should" but that I believe I "should" and I in fact want to.  In part.  I also want to explore life.  And those two forces are fighting against each other very strongly.  I have a new favorite quote by Rene Descartes (French philosopher):  "If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things."  And that has been the story of my life the past 6 months.  I figured I wasn't super happy being a member of the LDS church (mostly for political and partially for social reasons) so maybe I should try something else.  But I promised myself that I would stay close to God throughout the process; continue praying, reading books of scripture from other cultures, even attending other churches in a quest for truth (even though I think I knew the truth all along).  I have not done any of that.  I have gotten lazy.  And something is decidedly missing from my life.  Something that was not missing before.  I am not more unhappy now; simply a little more hollow.  And I would like to amend that.
     In closing I feel proud, dumb, and hollow about what I am doing right now.  But I would also like to mention that I am hopeful.  I feel like I am on the right path even if I may be tripping on a few rocks along the way.  And that is that.
     This was fun.  I like this idea.

Do you wish that you were somewhere else right now?

I always wish I was at Disneyland.  So yes.

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?

Nah

Do you think glasses are hot?

Not generally but they can be on the right person.

Could you go a month without cursing?

Hell to the no.  I wish.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?

Fall Out Boy concert.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?

A while.

Do you own any band t-shirts?

A few.  

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?

Of course.

Do you want to see somebody right now?

Meh

Do you listen to songs when you're down?

Not when I'm sad usually.  When I'm angry yes.

Have you ever hugged someone named Joe?

I believe so.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

Recently.  Ish.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

>: 4 8 15 16 23 42

Do you hold grudges?

Oh yes.

Does any part of your body hurt right now?

Head.  Kill me.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?

Lex and Justin

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away?

Uh huh

Are you on of those people who's always cold?

Always always

Do you have any summer plans yet?

Disneyland

Do you tend to waste a lot of money?

No, I wish I could sometimes.  I'm frugal to a fault.  Just look at my shoes and you'll know what I mean.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?

I cry whenever I feel any emotion strongly.

Is anything bothering you?

Head.  Kill me.

Are you missing anyone?

I guess.

 What was your last thought last night before you went to bed?

Why?  And a pro/con list.

Did you ever break someones heart?

Yes.  It was for the best.

What's something you really want right now, be honest?

Krispy Kreme

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

No.  It's impersonal and sort of demeaning.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how tired are you right now?

Physically: 9

Sleep-ily: 4

Emotionally: 18

When is the last time you watched a movie?

It has been a while.

Who were the first 2 people you heard this morning?

Justin and Spencer.  Because I called them.  Because I had an emergency.  As usual.  See below.

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

Jump starting my car.  

Have you ever had your heart broken? If so, how many times?

Yes.  Like really broken broken?  Twice.  Or three times.  More like four.  Nope, five.  I fall hard. 

Do you listen to music every day?

Not always.  Sometimes I can't handle the noise.  I like silence.

How do you know the last male you texted?

5 years of friendship.

Were you single on your last birthday?

Oh yeah.  That was great let me tell you.

Are you wearing a sports shirt?

No

What was the last new movie you watched?

The Other Guys

Where were you at 8 am this morning?

Watching The Office in bed.

Have you ever crawled through a window?

Yeah.

Morning or Night person?

Both when I'm in mania.  Neither when I'm not.

Left or right handed?

Right

Would you marry for money?

Maybe in a few years when I'm even more jaded than I am now.

What' s your favorite fruit?

Bananas

Do you want to live till 100 years?

No

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?

Off please.

Do you like to watch cartoons?

Not really.  

Are you short?

Oh no.

If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?

What's karma gonna throw at me to even this out?

Tomorrow is?

Sunday

Are you happy with life at the moment?

Yeah

Is it cute when you get kissed on the forehead?

Yes.  If I am sad.  And we are hugging.

What would you do if someone randomly came up to you and poked you?

Probably reflexively hit said someone.

What is one thing in your life that is no longer there, that you miss?

Nothing

Name a lyric from the song you're listening to?

Remember what I said about silence?

Anyone of the opposite sex been on your mind lately?

Oh hohoho.  I wish it were not so.

Someone knocks on your window at 5 am, what do you say?

"What the Hell?"  Also, I might scream.

When was the last time you sang an entire song?

Voice on Monday.  Or in the shower today if that counts.

Next time you will kiss someone?

Christmas.  Because on Christmas you tell the truth.

Are you good at keeping in touch with people?

No.  Sorry.

Have you ever tried to break someone up?

Haha.  Like everyday of high school.

What is your biggest regret in life?

Drinking

How did you feel when you woke up?

Sick

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?

No

How many pillows do you sleep with?

Two

What color are your bed sheets?

Cream and white

Do you cook?

Yum

Do you laugh enough?

Yes.  And my laugh can be hear from miles around.

When was the last time you were complimented?

Today when I switched my nose stud for a ring.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?

Yes

Whats the 1st thing you notice on a guy/girl?

Personality. . . Of course.  Ha ha, not their face or body because that would be so shallow. . .  I'm so not like that. . .

Whats your fav cold cereal?

Cocoa Pebbles