I'm experiencing some serious heart ache right now.  I feel like my life should be going in a different direction.  I feel like it's time to make changes in my life.  I keep telling myself, "when I'm ready, when I'm ready," but will that ever happen?  Will I ever be completely ready?  I don't know.  I've reached a fork in the road of my life once again.  I want to go back to the spiritual person who I once was, especially after talking to Nichele today.  Her spirit is so beautiful and her testimony is so strong.  I want to shine the way she does.  But I want these things of the world.  I want to experience things.  I want to give myself to someone because I know it's important to him.  Why am I even speculating about this imaginary relationship that has yet to happen?  That may never happen.  That I don't have to let happen if I don't want it to.  But I do want it to.  Sort of.  But I also want to be strong.  I want to be a light unto men.  I want to fulfill my goals in righteousness.  I feel like I'm being pulled into two opposite directions and while the easiest and most safe path is the right one and I know it's the right one and the one I should take, I find myself not wanting to take it.  I want to take the road most traveled.  And that is truly ridiculous.  I want to talk to God about it but I don't feel worthy to.  I keep making the same mistakes and falling into the same habits and I'm too stubborn to talk to a bishop until I can go to him and say, "I struggled with this but I no longer am."  Mostly right now I'm tired.  I need a new year, a fresh start.  Thank Heaven it's only 3 days away.