Live What You Love

My dear friend Alexa Winn inspired me a little bit by the way she is writing her blog right now.  She has had a month of prompts that ask questions about life.  I found this list while "stumbling" one night and I thought that I would follow suit.  www.tiadpeterson.com/live-what-you-love-50-questions-to-ask-yourself/
Thanks Lexa!  I hope you don't mind that I'm sort of copying you.

Question 1:
How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment?

    I'm going to take this more philosophically than literally.  Because at this moment I'm writing my blog before bed while listening to a "nostalgic" playlist on StereoMood.  And I feel fine about that.  But when it comes to life in general, that is a little bit more tricky I suppose.
    At this point in time in my life I am very successfully pursuing my career through work and school.  I am more financially secure than I have ever been.  I am finally very confident in my appearance and my personality.  I am getting along with my mom and dad.  So by all accounts, I should feel excellent and very proud.  And I do.  Feel proud anyway.  But excellence is a bit far off.
     I am also currently pining over a man with whom it would be absolutely foolish to pursue anything, even friendship and yet, I find myself planning how I'm going to tell him I love him and he will change and we will live happily ever after, every night.  I don't feel good about that.  I feel dumb actually.  Because I am about to dive in very deep water, without a life jacket or flotation device, knowing full well that I am prone to drowning.  It feels very reminiscent of past situations I have gotten myself into.
     I am not where I would like to be spiritually in my life.  I don't go to church anymore and I have stopped actively trying to live my life the way I should.  I use the word "should" not in the sense that people are telling me I "should" but that I believe I "should" and I in fact want to.  In part.  I also want to explore life.  And those two forces are fighting against each other very strongly.  I have a new favorite quote by Rene Descartes (French philosopher):  "If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things."  And that has been the story of my life the past 6 months.  I figured I wasn't super happy being a member of the LDS church (mostly for political and partially for social reasons) so maybe I should try something else.  But I promised myself that I would stay close to God throughout the process; continue praying, reading books of scripture from other cultures, even attending other churches in a quest for truth (even though I think I knew the truth all along).  I have not done any of that.  I have gotten lazy.  And something is decidedly missing from my life.  Something that was not missing before.  I am not more unhappy now; simply a little more hollow.  And I would like to amend that.
     In closing I feel proud, dumb, and hollow about what I am doing right now.  But I would also like to mention that I am hopeful.  I feel like I am on the right path even if I may be tripping on a few rocks along the way.  And that is that.
     This was fun.  I like this idea.