The Crucible

     So, 4 years ago I was in this little play that sort of changed my life.  The Crucible by Arthur Miller in which I played Abigail Williams AKA the root of all Evil.  But that's not how I see her.  She was scared.  Her life was Hell.  Although my life is not as extreme as hers, I feel more connected to her than I ever did before.  She gave herself to this man who was weak (that doesn't make him bad).  She had been abused her whole life by her father and her uncle (according to me); I speculate she killed her parents because of the abuse.  And for the first time, she CHOOSES to go to bed with a man and he basically tells her to get lost.  She is called a whore by his wife and her name is blackened in the town she lives in.  What options did she really have?  Don't get me wrong; I was never abused.  I did not kill my parents.  And I definitely do not condone accusing others of witchcraft.  But I have given my heart to so many different men only to be told to "get lost."  Only to be called a slut by my classmates and/or ex boyfriends (ok, maybe just one or two or three people in particular but still).  Only to have rumors spread about me.  I feel like I know more about the kind of thing she was going through.  I would love to be in this play again and have another go at Abigail.  If I was certain I wouldn't go crazy this time.
     Now that said, that's not why I am writing this today.  I want to express my gratitude for the people I met while being a part of this play.  Everyone made me grow in some way, whether big or small.

Neal: You forever changed my self esteem by giving this to me.  I remember so vividly you telling me you wouldn't cast me.  And I remember the reluctance and fear in your voice when you asked me to read for Abigail, obviously in spite of your better judgement.  But I remember your surety when you told me I was Abigail most of all.  You might as well have said "of course" at the end of your announcement.  Thank you for your faith in me.  I hope I met your expectations.

Nichele:  My second in command ;)  I chipped a tooth because of you.  And you lost a lot of hair because of me.  I know that in the beginning I wasn't what you expected from Abigail (only because you told me so) but I love you for hopping on my bandwagon anyway.  Thank you for helping me stifle my crazy and being my best friend.

Sage:  You were my greatest support during this play.  I don't know if you even remember how close we became and how much we talked.  But I could tell you everything.  I really hope I wasn't imagining our rivalry all throughout high school, but I felt during this play that we were able to put that aside.  I really respect you for being there for me.  Thank you.

Meredith:  I can't even express how incredible you were.  You were perfect for Mary.  I hope you still have your poppet.

Becca:  This was a hard time for us.  We NEVER talked.  And I think that is what made our "chemistry," so to speak, so great.  You are such a beautiful actress and so very talented.

All the other girls:  You rocked.  I wasn't anything compared to you.  You truly stole the show.

Skyler:  You already know how much you saved me.  Just reminding you again.

Dean:  My strongest memories of you came from this show.  The first was when we were rehearsing the scene in which Danforth is accusing Abigail of adultery.  It was one time we ran the scene and it was the best it ever was.  It was the absolute peak and I was so scared of it I couldn't go there again.  I had tears streaming down my face and I can still see you, scared out of your mind for me asking me with your eyes if I was alright.  And my most favorite, of course, was when you were running up the hill to look at the cars we girls vandalized.  Even though I was yards away, I could see every single change of expression in your face.  You were such an amazing influence in my life.  Thank you.  "There is no arrow straighter than Dean."

Chase:  I love you.  I really do.  A part of me always will.  It hurts me that you fell so far after this incredible experience.  I'm so sad that we never got to pursue what we had.  But I'm so glad at the same time.  I was going through so much crap and I was so vulnerable.  I was putty in your hands.  (I sort of still am and you know this which is absolutely not fair.)  I would have done anything for you.  And that would not have ended well.  I hate that you lied to us.  But that doesn't change the fact that you have forever impacted my life.  You have left a hand print on my heart and I hope someday you will be sober enough and I will be strong enough and we both will be sane enough to talk about our experience.

I know it was a high school play and I don't really expect anyone to understand why it changed my life so much.  More so than any play I have been a part of since and probably ever will.  But it did.  And I'm so grateful that it did.