Lyndsie came up with this amazing idea! She said I gave her the idea but I don't think she gives herself enough credit. We were talking one night about all the boys we've kissed and how much we need to remember them all so we don't feel like sluts. I don't necessarily feel like a slut anymore. There's this gum commercial on t.v. that says the average person has 28 first kisses. That's a lot in my mind. Anyway, here goes. If you are reading this and I have kissed you and not acknowledged you, please tell me so I may amend it.
People I have kissed and meant it:
Daniel Carter
Chase Thompson
Marc Neilson
Justin Mortensen
Travis Wright
Andrew Baker
Marco Vega
Jace Rowley
Jacob Budge
Lance Heath
Joshua Smoody
Brian Schonbeck
Jake Thomas
Laura Hawk (Granted we were playing spin the bottle, but it was a real kiss and I wanted to be able to say I've kissed a girl.)
Jon Dodart
Cole Chollet
Vincent Romero
Frank Bryant
Steve Renner
I think that is all. Wow. 19. Impressive considering I am only 21 and didn't start dating until I was 16. Only 9 more to go until I am average. How exciting.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Do you want to change your career?
Well isn't that a doosy. Yes? No? Maybe? I mean, obviously I don't want to be an afterschool coordinator for the rest of my life; but I'm thinking more along the lines of the big picture. So I will rephrase the question. Do you want to change your major? If you are reading faithfully, you will know how many problems this question is not only causing me now but has caused me in the past. The truth is I don't know. Right now I think I am so smothered by the stress of my job and life (or lack there of) and school and my quest to be pure again and find a mate and a bunch of other bull, that my brain is a swimming mess of "what the hell is going on?" and "will anything ever make sense again?" I just have to have faith that it will. In my experience, I have learned that whenever I go through these crazy crises something happens. Be it good or bad, that something is always a game changer. I don't know if this something will be an outside force or self inflicted. I suppose I will just have to wait and see. I'll keep you posted.
Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
Yes. I miss my family. I want to be with them always. I'm not saying I want to live with them because that would be ridiculous. And I guess I don't necessarily want to be so close that I tire of their presence. But I do miss them. I miss seeing Becca grow up. I miss talking to my mom all night. I miss Eric dancing. I miss shopping with my sisters. I miss watching the Discovery Channel with William. And I really miss my grandparents. I've started thinking about summer because spring is near. And that makes me think of last summer. Which was so nice. Truth be told, I loved living with my grandma and grandpa. Getting fat because they always took me out or made me nice meals. Talking with them late at night. Sleeping until 1. Working at Gold's. I really miss Gold's. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I quit. It was a whole crazy story that had to do with Recharge and I will perhaps write the whole thing down eventually. But I miss baby Brielle. Well, toddler. Anyway, that was a tangent. I wish I could conjure up my family whenever I want without having them around when I don't. Also, it would be nice to live near Nichele. At least for a bit before her mission because not seeing her for 18 months is going to suck. And then she's gonna get married and I'm going to be an old spinster. Also a tangent. Like I said above, my brain is swirly. Short answer? Yes.
Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
And this answer completely nulls the last. Yes. Always. I always wish I lived in Britain. Always. I have only spent two days of my entire life there. I had swine flu. And it was still magical. I love the music, the theater, the films, the atmosphere, the history. I just want to be in Europe and explore. And I want to raise little British kids with little British accents and marry a handsome British man and live in a cottage on a farm not far from London. I would like to research my family and find our far away relatives. I want to have tea time. I love tea time!!! I make an effort to have tea time everyday anyway. But it is so much nicer in Britain. Everything is nicer in Britain.
Well isn't that a doosy. Yes? No? Maybe? I mean, obviously I don't want to be an afterschool coordinator for the rest of my life; but I'm thinking more along the lines of the big picture. So I will rephrase the question. Do you want to change your major? If you are reading faithfully, you will know how many problems this question is not only causing me now but has caused me in the past. The truth is I don't know. Right now I think I am so smothered by the stress of my job and life (or lack there of) and school and my quest to be pure again and find a mate and a bunch of other bull, that my brain is a swimming mess of "what the hell is going on?" and "will anything ever make sense again?" I just have to have faith that it will. In my experience, I have learned that whenever I go through these crazy crises something happens. Be it good or bad, that something is always a game changer. I don't know if this something will be an outside force or self inflicted. I suppose I will just have to wait and see. I'll keep you posted.
Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
Yes. I miss my family. I want to be with them always. I'm not saying I want to live with them because that would be ridiculous. And I guess I don't necessarily want to be so close that I tire of their presence. But I do miss them. I miss seeing Becca grow up. I miss talking to my mom all night. I miss Eric dancing. I miss shopping with my sisters. I miss watching the Discovery Channel with William. And I really miss my grandparents. I've started thinking about summer because spring is near. And that makes me think of last summer. Which was so nice. Truth be told, I loved living with my grandma and grandpa. Getting fat because they always took me out or made me nice meals. Talking with them late at night. Sleeping until 1. Working at Gold's. I really miss Gold's. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I quit. It was a whole crazy story that had to do with Recharge and I will perhaps write the whole thing down eventually. But I miss baby Brielle. Well, toddler. Anyway, that was a tangent. I wish I could conjure up my family whenever I want without having them around when I don't. Also, it would be nice to live near Nichele. At least for a bit before her mission because not seeing her for 18 months is going to suck. And then she's gonna get married and I'm going to be an old spinster. Also a tangent. Like I said above, my brain is swirly. Short answer? Yes.
Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
And this answer completely nulls the last. Yes. Always. I always wish I lived in Britain. Always. I have only spent two days of my entire life there. I had swine flu. And it was still magical. I love the music, the theater, the films, the atmosphere, the history. I just want to be in Europe and explore. And I want to raise little British kids with little British accents and marry a handsome British man and live in a cottage on a farm not far from London. I would like to research my family and find our far away relatives. I want to have tea time. I love tea time!!! I make an effort to have tea time everyday anyway. But it is so much nicer in Britain. Everything is nicer in Britain.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My emotions are directly tied to the weather. It is overcast today. I am overcast today. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's not the same as depressed. Mostly it makes me pensive. I am in a thinky think place right now. I started researching acting schools again. Could I go back to that? Do I want to? What if I moved back to Salt Lake and went back to the U and went back to the ATP? I think/hope Drew has mostly fallen off the face the earth with all of his drug use/dealing so I wouldn't have to deal with him. I am 98% sure they'd take me back. I left on a good note. Or what if I decided to take time off school after I get my Associates and sign a contract with Wilhelmina? They offered me a modeling contract last summer but they also represent actors. I could just get right in. Or what if I moved to LA? Or New York? Watching the Oscars on Sunday made me realize I've never completely given up on my dream. I wish it was a more practical dream. Next Wednesday I'm going to observe a high school Spanish Class. I wasn't there the day we signed up so I got stuck with Spanish. At the very least that will help me decide if I would prefer Secondary to Elementary. If I still decide to teach. Which I can't decide. Well, I guess I don't have to decide anything today. So I won't.
What do you want to accomplish?
I hate these open ended questions. They feel so very vague. I want to accomplish a lot of things, okay?! How can I be expected to write them all down? I want to be happy. That is all. I want to enjoy my life as a spastic and indecisive person. I have a hard time accepting that I am not the kind of person who can stay still and settle down. I should stop trying to fight my tendency to fly away and just embrace it. I have learned so much about life by being the way I am. And there is so much left for me to learn. God made me this way and this way I shall stay. So I want to accomplish the ability to be as tolerant of myself as I am of others. And to love my life and love the journey I am taking. And also, I want to get to Heaven.
What do you want to accomplish?
I hate these open ended questions. They feel so very vague. I want to accomplish a lot of things, okay?! How can I be expected to write them all down? I want to be happy. That is all. I want to enjoy my life as a spastic and indecisive person. I have a hard time accepting that I am not the kind of person who can stay still and settle down. I should stop trying to fight my tendency to fly away and just embrace it. I have learned so much about life by being the way I am. And there is so much left for me to learn. God made me this way and this way I shall stay. So I want to accomplish the ability to be as tolerant of myself as I am of others. And to love my life and love the journey I am taking. And also, I want to get to Heaven.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I am 21
Wow. 21 years I have been on this earth. How crazy?! And this monumental birthday has had me contemplating my purpose in life quite a bit. I realized how young I am. I know that totally sounds ridiculous but seriously, up until my actual birthday I felt so old. And then I turned 21 and I felt like I was drowning in this big grown up world. I'm too young to be making decisions that will affect my entire future. How can we be expected to know what we want with life and what we want to study right out of High School? I'm in my third year of college and I still have no clue what the hell I'm doing. So I'm kind of doing a little bit of panicking and trying to plan my whole life out. Which is the problem in the first place. I thought that after I turned 21 I would have this aura of maturity; that I would be taken seriously and take myself more seriously. But I feel so young and green and frightened. It is an odd phenomenon.
What do you think of passionate people?
I love passionate people. Who doesn't? I like to consider myself a passionate person. I was talking to my mom about my crisis of self I mentioned above and we were discussing possible career and school changes. We were talking about my interests and, turns out, I love them all equally and extravagently. What ever I do I love with an unquenchable passion. I love reading, I love writing, I love studying art, I love studying History, I love nutrition, I love child care, I love acting, I love singing, I love being outdoors, and I love scores of other things. And it is complicated. I am also passionate in my social interactions. I think I may have mentioned this before ;) but I fall hard and fast in love. I will "know" within the hour if I am meant to be with someone. The same thing goes for friends too though. I can say without a doubt upon meeting someone if there is a posibility we will be friends. And if we become friends, we will be close. At least, if I like them enough. So there you have it. I am a passionate person who passionately loves passionate people.
Do you know anyone who you feel is living their dream? Who? What do they do all day and night? Be very specific.
Well, seeing as I live in an average community with average folk living average lifestyles, I do not think I know anyone personally who is living his or her dream. I can't say for sure and there very well could be people who are, but they haven't made themselves known to me. There is one person who I feel is living my dream, or at least one of them anyway. Miss Amy Adams. She has been nominated for 3 Oscars. Every single one of the characters she has played is one I would die to play. DIE! She is so amazing. She has a beautiful baby girl and a handsome fiance. I don't know what she does all day and night except be awesome. But I know she is living a life she wants and has chosen for herself. She worked hard to get where she is. And she is brilliant at what she does. And she is a Disney frickin' Princess!
Do you think you can be completely satisfied living where you do now?
No. I love St. George. It is definitely a step up from the rest of Utah. But it is still trapped under that typical "Mormon" bubble. I am mormon and I have no problems being a mormon or with the church. It's the culture I can't stand. I don't want to have to be subject to anymore ridiculous political banter from people who have no clue what they are talking about. And I certainly don't want to raise my children in a society such as this. So it is great for now. But not forever.
What do you think of passionate people?
I love passionate people. Who doesn't? I like to consider myself a passionate person. I was talking to my mom about my crisis of self I mentioned above and we were discussing possible career and school changes. We were talking about my interests and, turns out, I love them all equally and extravagently. What ever I do I love with an unquenchable passion. I love reading, I love writing, I love studying art, I love studying History, I love nutrition, I love child care, I love acting, I love singing, I love being outdoors, and I love scores of other things. And it is complicated. I am also passionate in my social interactions. I think I may have mentioned this before ;) but I fall hard and fast in love. I will "know" within the hour if I am meant to be with someone. The same thing goes for friends too though. I can say without a doubt upon meeting someone if there is a posibility we will be friends. And if we become friends, we will be close. At least, if I like them enough. So there you have it. I am a passionate person who passionately loves passionate people.
Do you know anyone who you feel is living their dream? Who? What do they do all day and night? Be very specific.
Well, seeing as I live in an average community with average folk living average lifestyles, I do not think I know anyone personally who is living his or her dream. I can't say for sure and there very well could be people who are, but they haven't made themselves known to me. There is one person who I feel is living my dream, or at least one of them anyway. Miss Amy Adams. She has been nominated for 3 Oscars. Every single one of the characters she has played is one I would die to play. DIE! She is so amazing. She has a beautiful baby girl and a handsome fiance. I don't know what she does all day and night except be awesome. But I know she is living a life she wants and has chosen for herself. She worked hard to get where she is. And she is brilliant at what she does. And she is a Disney frickin' Princess!
Do you think you can be completely satisfied living where you do now?
No. I love St. George. It is definitely a step up from the rest of Utah. But it is still trapped under that typical "Mormon" bubble. I am mormon and I have no problems being a mormon or with the church. It's the culture I can't stand. I don't want to have to be subject to anymore ridiculous political banter from people who have no clue what they are talking about. And I certainly don't want to raise my children in a society such as this. So it is great for now. But not forever.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
How do you feel about your home furnishings?
What a strange question ha ha. But it makes sense. How can you live a life you love if you don't love where you live? Well, I love my apartment. I think I love it because it is mine. My furniture expresses who I am. I love my matching but not matching bedroom set. I love my bedspread. I love my broken bookcase, my canvas wall squares, and my teapots. But most of all I love my art. Pictures of Marilyn Monroe, Gone with the Wind, West Side Story, Spring Awakening, Our Town, and Rosy the Riveter. Posters from the Panic At The Disco Concert. And my signed The Hush Sound poster. My home furnishings reflect who I am now and the experiences I have had. And I love it.
Do you have a hobby that you like to do but don't get paid for? What is it?
Do I ever. Does a hobby that I could get paid for count? I love to act. And I love to sing. And I love to pretend to dance. And I know that if I really wanted to I could be successful and make money doing these things (well, except maybe dancing). But what would be the point? The reason for hobbies is so you can escape from your normal life. I don't want my hobbies to become something I have to do to survive in the literal sense. I am perfectly content with them being something I have to do to survive figuratively.
Does money hold you back from anything? What does it hold you back from? Be very specific.
Yes money does hold me back. A lot. It holds me back from living my life without fear. I am in a constant state of worry that I will not have the money to pay rent or utilities or buy groceries. And sometimes this does happen to me. But I have grown used to it in a way. I've never had money. My family has never had money. And if I had money I don't really know what I do with it. Probably pay my debts and swindle the rest on books. And I would travel. I would go everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I have always been the type of person who just wants to pick up and leave. Go somewhere alone where no one can find me and I can be free. I take back what I said about never having money. When I was a nanny I had money. And I did pick up and leave, when it was practical of course. I went to New York for the weekend twice. All alone the first time and mostly alone the second. And it was wonderful. So I would do more of that. Only I would go to Greece or Russia or India or Italy or Australia. I'm always looking up ways to go out of the country on the cheap. I know all of the best hostel companies in and out of the states. I dream of going all the time. But I can't because I don't have the money. Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite books. And if I could do what she did I would be so happy. But Elizabeth had money and lots of it. I think money holds me back from doing the things I dream of doing and therefore holds me back from finding complete satisfaction in my life.
I guess that's enough for now. I do have to update on life developments but I wanted to get some questions done first.
What a strange question ha ha. But it makes sense. How can you live a life you love if you don't love where you live? Well, I love my apartment. I think I love it because it is mine. My furniture expresses who I am. I love my matching but not matching bedroom set. I love my bedspread. I love my broken bookcase, my canvas wall squares, and my teapots. But most of all I love my art. Pictures of Marilyn Monroe, Gone with the Wind, West Side Story, Spring Awakening, Our Town, and Rosy the Riveter. Posters from the Panic At The Disco Concert. And my signed The Hush Sound poster. My home furnishings reflect who I am now and the experiences I have had. And I love it.
Do you have a hobby that you like to do but don't get paid for? What is it?
Do I ever. Does a hobby that I could get paid for count? I love to act. And I love to sing. And I love to pretend to dance. And I know that if I really wanted to I could be successful and make money doing these things (well, except maybe dancing). But what would be the point? The reason for hobbies is so you can escape from your normal life. I don't want my hobbies to become something I have to do to survive in the literal sense. I am perfectly content with them being something I have to do to survive figuratively.
Does money hold you back from anything? What does it hold you back from? Be very specific.
Yes money does hold me back. A lot. It holds me back from living my life without fear. I am in a constant state of worry that I will not have the money to pay rent or utilities or buy groceries. And sometimes this does happen to me. But I have grown used to it in a way. I've never had money. My family has never had money. And if I had money I don't really know what I do with it. Probably pay my debts and swindle the rest on books. And I would travel. I would go everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I have always been the type of person who just wants to pick up and leave. Go somewhere alone where no one can find me and I can be free. I take back what I said about never having money. When I was a nanny I had money. And I did pick up and leave, when it was practical of course. I went to New York for the weekend twice. All alone the first time and mostly alone the second. And it was wonderful. So I would do more of that. Only I would go to Greece or Russia or India or Italy or Australia. I'm always looking up ways to go out of the country on the cheap. I know all of the best hostel companies in and out of the states. I dream of going all the time. But I can't because I don't have the money. Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite books. And if I could do what she did I would be so happy. But Elizabeth had money and lots of it. I think money holds me back from doing the things I dream of doing and therefore holds me back from finding complete satisfaction in my life.
I guess that's enough for now. I do have to update on life developments but I wanted to get some questions done first.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"Swim"
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
Jack's Mannequin
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Why do I dread posting lately? It's not as though I'm doing anything bad. I'm struggling but I'm doing so much better with the help of Institute. I think I'm maybe just a little depressed lately. I'm having lady problems and that is causing me to cry at everything. And I'm having mania problems which are causing me to feel like a cat on a hot tin roof. And this combination is creating major conflict within me. And it sucks. Hahaha.
I made a new friend. Her name is Lindsie and we are like the same soul. It's pretty crazy. I like her a lot though and it's nice to have another girlfriend. I don't have many of those.
I went to my friend Marie's birthday party last night. Well, she's actually Alexa's friend but we talked last night and became friends. Anyway, it was a dance party. And it's hard to find a good dance party in St. George. But it was a good effort and a good time. The DJ was pretty great. He's a friend of Marie's from Vegas and now I am friends with him too. He said there is this awesome party on my birthday in Vegas and that he would be happy to get me in for free. I hope it works out because that would be so BADASS! I want to really party for the big 2-1. It's sort of a big deal you know?
All in all, I made a lot of friends this week. And that is always good.
The Recharge Conference was very successful. I am proud of myself for putting it all together. They asked me to be on the AUA board because I did such a good job! I'm so excited! I feel so grown up. I'm on the board of an educational organization that I really believe in. And I'm only 20! I feel like I'm going places. Maybe the Board of Education is not such a pipe dream after all.
Well, it would appear the Ms. Peterson has taken down the site with her questions on it. I have emailed her personally and will post if she sends me the list. I hope she does or else this would have been an incredibly anti-climactic challenge.
I made a new friend. Her name is Lindsie and we are like the same soul. It's pretty crazy. I like her a lot though and it's nice to have another girlfriend. I don't have many of those.
I went to my friend Marie's birthday party last night. Well, she's actually Alexa's friend but we talked last night and became friends. Anyway, it was a dance party. And it's hard to find a good dance party in St. George. But it was a good effort and a good time. The DJ was pretty great. He's a friend of Marie's from Vegas and now I am friends with him too. He said there is this awesome party on my birthday in Vegas and that he would be happy to get me in for free. I hope it works out because that would be so BADASS! I want to really party for the big 2-1. It's sort of a big deal you know?
All in all, I made a lot of friends this week. And that is always good.
The Recharge Conference was very successful. I am proud of myself for putting it all together. They asked me to be on the AUA board because I did such a good job! I'm so excited! I feel so grown up. I'm on the board of an educational organization that I really believe in. And I'm only 20! I feel like I'm going places. Maybe the Board of Education is not such a pipe dream after all.
Well, it would appear the Ms. Peterson has taken down the site with her questions on it. I have emailed her personally and will post if she sends me the list. I hope she does or else this would have been an incredibly anti-climactic challenge.
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