The new year starts tomorrow.  Holy crazy!  I can't  believe how many unexpected twists and turns my life has taken this year.  I look at where I was last year this time and where I am now and I am so proud of certain accomplishments I've made and so frustrated with myself for all the many mistakes I have made. 
Accomplishments:
I love my body!  I still have my moments but my confidence is better than it's been in a long time.
I have an amazing job.
I have my own apartment.
I have picked a major.
I have performed a high soprano Italian song in front of an audience.
I was a featured dancer in a play.
I competed in a pageant.
I have managed to stop feeling the need to have a man to complete me.
I have gained control over my illness for the most part.

Failures:
I didn't learn to play guitar.
I became addicted to diet coke.
I stop exercising after the pageant.
I made mistakes with boys.
I fell away from the church.
I drank alcohol.
I smoked a cigarette.
I failed a class.
And a variety of other bad things.

So my resolutions for this year:
Go to church.
Overcome addictions (including but not limited to diet coke, coffee, and bad movies).
Exercise at least 3 times a week.
Eat better.  And stop starving myself.
Be in another pageant.
Learn to play the guitar.
No more mistakes with boys.
No drinking.
No smoking.
Go to Institute.
Get better grades.
Clean up the language.
Clean up the apartment.
Pay off debt.
Love my fellow men.
Hike Angel's Landing.
Go to Disneyland.
Be a better person.

I think these are things I can do.  I will need to be strong.  But I know I can.  And so help me, I WILL learn to play the guitar this year!

I'm experiencing some serious heart ache right now.  I feel like my life should be going in a different direction.  I feel like it's time to make changes in my life.  I keep telling myself, "when I'm ready, when I'm ready," but will that ever happen?  Will I ever be completely ready?  I don't know.  I've reached a fork in the road of my life once again.  I want to go back to the spiritual person who I once was, especially after talking to Nichele today.  Her spirit is so beautiful and her testimony is so strong.  I want to shine the way she does.  But I want these things of the world.  I want to experience things.  I want to give myself to someone because I know it's important to him.  Why am I even speculating about this imaginary relationship that has yet to happen?  That may never happen.  That I don't have to let happen if I don't want it to.  But I do want it to.  Sort of.  But I also want to be strong.  I want to be a light unto men.  I want to fulfill my goals in righteousness.  I feel like I'm being pulled into two opposite directions and while the easiest and most safe path is the right one and I know it's the right one and the one I should take, I find myself not wanting to take it.  I want to take the road most traveled.  And that is truly ridiculous.  I want to talk to God about it but I don't feel worthy to.  I keep making the same mistakes and falling into the same habits and I'm too stubborn to talk to a bishop until I can go to him and say, "I struggled with this but I no longer am."  Mostly right now I'm tired.  I need a new year, a fresh start.  Thank Heaven it's only 3 days away. 

What do you want out of life?


I want everything life has to offer me.  I want all of the opportunities God puts in front of me.  I want to look back on my life at the end of it and know I gave it a damn good shot, in spite of all the foul ups and set backs.  No one looks back on his or her life and thinks, "I wish I did less.  I wish I hadn't experienced that."  At least I don't think so.  I'm not saying I want to make mistakes on purpose and get hurt just for the experience of it.  But I don't want to feel like I missed out on anything.  I want to be happy.  I want to die feeling loved.  I want to feel safe and secure.  I want to know a million useless facts about a million useless things.  I want children who are better and stronger and smarter and more spiritual than I ever have been or will be.  I want a job that fulfills my desire to help others.  I want to meet my maker and thank him for every second of my life that passed.  I want to "live what I love," so to speak.

How do you think people will remember you, when you die?


I think I will be remembered as that funny and slightly bitchy cat lady who was sort of a slut but really free spirited and progressive in her thoughts and actions.

How do you want people to remember you, when you die?


The above sentence suits me fine.  But I would also like to be remembered as a pillar of strength and a positive thinker.  A good wife.  A best friend and trustworthy confidant.  A believer in God with unwavering faith.  A fighter and a supporter.  A brilliant author.  An Amazing Race winner.  A talented actress and a beautiful singer.  An inspiring teacher.  And an excellent mother.

How close are you in proximity to the people you absolutely adore the most?


Are we talking real people or celebrities?  Because the people I adore most include Henry Ian Cusick, Ryan Reynolds, Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway, Kierra Knightley, Colin Firth, and the late Heath Ledger.  Oh, and Shakespeare.  And I am infinite worlds away from all these people.  Except maybe Heath and Shakespeare because they are in Heaven and if I should die right now I would probably go to Heaven.  And while the fact that these people are infinite worlds away from me saddens me a little I am ok with it because I am near those whom I love most.  For the most part.


Alexa: A hop, skip, and a jump away.
Nichele: San Jose, CA.  Quite a bit farther.  I do not get to see her as much as I like but we still keep in touch and I see her whenever she visits AF.
Justin:  Also a hop, skip, and a jump although he may be moving back to American Fork (which in my opinion is a retarded idea).
Mom: 4 hour drive.
Siblings and step father: Also 4 hour drive.
Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma: 5 hour drive.
Becca: 5 hour drive.  
Kiki: 4 hour drive.
Shauna: 4 hour drive.
Raquel: Technically a 4 hour drive but I haven't seen her in almost two years which needs to be amended.
My one true love:  Unknown


For the most part I am satisfied with these results.  Although Becca seems to be more than a 5 hour drive because it takes a lot of courage for me to go see her because my dad is there.  Not that I don't love my dad.  We are in a fight right now although I am certain he doesn't know why.  But if he thought about it just a little bit more I bet he could figure it out.  I would like to see Raquel, my Senior English teacher.  She has been an inspiration in my life and I would love to chat with her.  I am lucky that I can see these people really whenever I want.  It makes life pleasant.  As for my one true love, I will find out soon enough.  Surely he will reveal himself to me and when he does, I need look no further than my hip.

*I don't know if you read this dad but just think about it and you might be able to figure out why I am upset with you.  It has nothing to do with Mom or Richard or Katie.  Just you and me.*

Write a paragraph or two about your ideal weekend/time away from work. Include location, sights, smells, food, activities, and people.


Hmmm.  I have a lot of ideal weekend ideas.  And I have had some ideal weekends.  So perhaps one of each.


Anaheim, California.  Summer.  Alexa, Nichele, and Justin.  I want to go to Disneyland with my three best friends.  I don't know how well they would interact with one another and I am worried Justin would make fun of everything I love about Disney, but this is my ideal weekend and they will all behave.  We stay in the Disneyland Resort and we get to eat all our meals through Disney.  Money is no issue.  Souvenirs for everyone and every family member.  I don't know if you know this about me.  I may have mentioned it once or twice.  But I love Disneyland.  More than any place in the world.  More than New York, DC, or Switzerland combined.  I really do.  And I have no shame in admitting that.  I feel happy at Disneyland.  I feel safe.  I feel so much joy that I can't even begin to describe it.  And I want to go with my best friends and experience this joy together.  Dressed up like Disney characters.  And I mean decked out.  Gowns for girls and something for Justin.  I honestly don't know who his favorite is.  But I will be Aurora and Alexa will be Pocahontas and Nichele will be Belle.  And we will all four run around like crazy children and take pictures and get balloons and eat whatever we want.  And then we will go to the beach.  In our costumes.  Then we can change and swim.  And it will be perfect.  


One ideal weekend I have already had was spent alone in New York City.  I took a night bus from DC and got there at 2 in the morning, pepper spray safely concealed in hand.  I checked into a hostel and got switched from my all girl room to a mixed room and I was too tired to complain.  I woke up early the next morning and drank orange juice on the roof.  I went shopping.  I saw In the Heights on Broadway and Our Town off Broadway.  And even though I missed the first act, I still cried all the way through.  I walked through Central Park, ate pizza, and passed for a citizen.  I felt like one.  I found peace in Strawberry Fields.  One of my bunk mates was an English fellow named Mark.  He wanted to go to a bar.  I was too embarrassed to tell him I wasn't 21 so I said I was tired.  We are facebook friends now. I miss being able to do this.  It was a perfect.  

Do you feel like anything in your life is holding you back from ultimate joy?  List everything.

Fear.  At least when it comes to my love life.  In all other aspects of my life, I am afraid of nothing.  I have been called ballsy more than once.  But I won't take chances on love anymore.  And I have to.  A few posts ago I talked about about who was a "praise the Lord I never but what if."  Well, as everyday passes I think about him more and more.  And my heart feels warm fuzzies that it hasn't felt in a long time.  But I'm scared to go for it.  I know he thinks about me.  I'm not certain about much when it comes to men but of this I am certain.  I know he would accept me.  At least temporarily.  And that is the problem.  I don't know how long it would last.  And I don't know if he would be faithful.  And I don't know if he could ever change.  And if something did happen with him and it did not turn out well it would be the worst heartbreak of my entire life.  Not only because I feel like we have had a deep and spiritual connection, a "living breathing link" so to speak, since we met four years ago.  But also because I am best friends with his sister.  And his mom is a second mother to me.  And I can not afford to lose them in my life.  But I know if I don't go for it I will always regret it.  Fear, however, may stop me.  

My addictions.  I will not go into detail what these are because they are personal and I would rather not ever write about them.  But they cause me to hate myself.  And they give me migraines.  And tummy aches.  And they stop me from sleeping at night.  I must give them up to have ultimate joy.

Resentment toward my father.  I have tried and tried and tried to forgive him.  I have tried and tried and tried to accept him.  But the life he has chosen has hurt me so much.  And his complete disregard for anyone else's feelings hurts me.  And the fact that he is not sorry for all the pain he has caused me and continues to cause me makes it hard for me to love him.

My obsession with body image.  I will never be happy with my weight.  It does not matter how thin I am or how good I look.  I always think I can look better.  

I think that is all for the moment.

What do you feel is your greatest personality trait?


I am oh so passionate.  About everything in my life.  The books I read, the shows I watch, the music I listen to, the movies I love.  All these things are more to me than just distractions.  They are a part of who I am fundamentally.  My job is my life.  School is my life.  My friends; I love them to the point of tears.  My family; I love them to the point of open weeping.  I have such a fervor for life and every aspect of it.

And there is nothing I can do at this point.

"Hallelujah"

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

It has been so long. . .

. . . oh so very long since I have posted.  Can I just please say that this past week, well past two weeks, have been Hellboy on Ice?  Oh gosh.  So much traveling, so much snow, and so little sleep.  But now it is done and now my mom is visiting and life is calm once again.  So now to my question:

What do you feel is your greatest skill?


Loaded, loaded question.  I do have so many great ones :P  But seriously, I do.  I am so proud of myself nowadays.  I have developed the ability to move on from the past.  The ability to manage my illness.  The ability to know what I want.  But I think my very absolute greatest skill is to love everyone and empathize with them.  I have been given the gift of empathy.  It says so in my patriarchal blessing.  And it is a great, if not absolutely horrifying, gift.  I cannot only feel bad for someone but I can feel his or her pain.  I don't know how.  I have not experienced so much in my short life.  Definitely not being gay or having an abortion or losing a child or being an alcoholic or homeless or terminal.  But I know what it feels like.  And I cry for them.  I don't understand it and it can be so awful sometimes.  I can see a person in the store and not even speak a word to him but know the pain he is going through.  And I go home and cry and cry and pray for him.
It is a difficult skill to manage and it causes me a lot of pain, but at the end of the day, I am so grateful I have it.  It makes me see the world in a way I am not sure many people can.  It is why I am such a bleeding heart liberal. And why I am a Mormon.  So yes.  That is my greatest, awfullest, most challenging, most wonderful gift.