I did it again. AGAIN!!!! I hooked up with some guy I barely know because I felt like we had some sort of connection. I followed my "instincts." You will soon learn I do that a lot. As a general rule of thumb, my instincts are fairly accurate. But when it comes to men, they are WAY off. Anyway, I really thought we could be something. We had very similar values. The physical aspect of a relationship was really important to him and I resisted a little bit, but I was by no means being a prude. I let him do things I've never let anyone do to me. I met him that day! And the funny thing is, I don't feel anything. I want to. I want to feel guilty. I want to feel some sort of emotional attachment. But all I feel is, "figures."
I guess it's important to start at the beginning. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16 because I wanted to wait. The prophet told us not to date until we were 16 and so I did what he said. That didn't stop me from falling in love. Hard. I loved this boy so much and I still have not felt anything stronger than the love I had for him. He was my best friend and my first date. But it took us 2 years to even kiss. And even when we did, I was the one that had to have the guts to do it. Don't get me wrong; during those 2 years I dated my fair share of boys, all stories for another day. But I always loved the first one most.
He left on an LDS mission shortly after our kissing encounter. I was under the impression that we would see what would happen when he got back. I didn't wait for him. Those 2 years I once again dated my fair share of boys. I wrote him once and he never responded. I moved on with my life. Then one day, I just decided to try writing him again. And he responded. And we started writing eachother. We didn't talk about us or where we stood. Just about life. I was a nanny, kind of my own mission. We swapped stories and it was like he was my best friend again.
I moved back home (American Fork; I was living in Washington, DC) about a month before he was coming back. I was so excited to see him. I didn't expect things to continue where they left off, but he was my best friend for a really long time. He saved me so many times that he doesn't even know about. I bought a new dress and everything. He ended up coming home a day earlier than I thought he would. I won't lie. I had a major anxiety attack. For some reason I started bawling uncontrollably. My mom basically forced me to leave the house. I went to the gym for 2 hours and just ran on the eliptical. Then I felt better. Mostly. But I knew that night I would have to face him.
I got ready, all dolled up but not too much. I headed to his house like I always had before. I will admit though that I circled his house probably 10 times before actually getting the courage to go in. And when I did, he looked so excited to see me. I was so excited to see him. I almost felt like he had never left. We exchanged looks and secret smiles and private eye rolls. At least I thought we did. I saw him a few times that week and we never talked about what was going to happen between us but I figured that would take some time.
He was going to give a talk in a church about his experience and then his family and friends were going to have a get together afterward. I went, naturally. And that's when I realized he never felt anything for me in the first place. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the way he talked to me or the way he seemed nervous around me or the way he looked (or didn't look) at me. But I just knew. You have to understand, I had spent 4 whole years of my life loving this kid, never being able to get him off my mind. And to suddenly grasp the fact that he never loved me almost killed me. I went to the party after his talk; he mostly ignored me. I left early. I said maybe I'd see him around but that I was moving in a month. I bawled for days. This was a year ago. I haven't seen him since.
Two months later he was engaged. 3 months after that he was married. He was with with his wife for 5 months. He was a part of me for nearly 5 years. I have never felt rejection like that before in my entire life. It was and still is heart wrenching. In spite of that, I am so happy that he has found happiness. Just because we didn't end up together doesn't change that fact that he was one of the most important people in my life. It's not his fault he never felt the same way I did. It's not his fault I got so attached to him. But he could have handled things a lot better. I don't blame him for my problems or my current state of promiscuity but he was definitely the spark that lit the match.
So now I'm broken. And I'm working on fixing myself. But I feel like my life is this constant quest to find what I felt for him only better. And I'm not doing it in the most healthy or productive way possible. And now it feels like I've given up on finding that and I'm just trying to fill a physical void. I know I will figure it someday. I will learn. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.
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