I hate "what if"s.  I have one of those right now.  Well, I guess I have two.  But one of them is more of a "praise the Lord I never but what if."  So I am only counting the one.  And he is on my brain right now.  Stupid little brain worm.  Nothing ever really even happened between us.  We went to the same church in high school.  We had one class together.  We flirted a lot.  But we never went on a date, never kissed, never nothing.  But I have this one memory pushing to the front of brain and it won't go away no matter how hard I fight it.  It was in high school and that whole period of my life is one crazy blah.  I went to a church activity with all of the youth in my ward one day and it just happened to be at a really difficult time in my life.  (Let's face it, when isn't it a difficult time in my life?)  The two of us spent the whole day together.  We talked and joked and laughed and had a great time.  Both of our brothers, who happen to be the same age, have high functioning autism.  We both come from broken families.  We have a lot in common.  And on this day, he was just what I needed.  At this point, I had liked him for a while but this was pretty much the last nail in the casket.  There is this one particular moment of the day that sticks out more than any other.  We were having dinner as a group and the adults were making all of the youth sign giant cards for the people who made us the dinner.  He and I went up to sign the cards at the same time.  I started signing one when, instead of signing a different one or standing next to me or waiting until I was done, he leaned up against me, put his head on my shoulder, and signed the card around me.  It had been a long time since I smiled that big.  It's so stupid for me to dwell on this now, especially considering that was four years ago and I'm a grown woman now.  But nothing ever came of it!  I wanted to ask him to the girls choice dance but he already had a date.  And after the dance, he and his date became an item.  When they broke up, I was in a relationship and he had graduated anyway so he wasn't in my ward anymore.  We both left Utah at the same time nearly two years ago; he on a mission and me on my nanny escapade.  And now he is on my brain again and it is so stupid.  And I wish I could say it's just because of this most recent failure in my romantic life but it's not.  I've been thinking about him since July.  I think I should write him a letter although I don't know what good it will do.  But it wouldn't do any harm either.  I guess.