The fact that I know his family would love for us to end up together; the fact that I have my best friend's and his sister's approval; the fact that I've never ever let him go in spite of myself; the fact that I forgive him for everything he's ever done; the fact that I know what he is capable of and don't even care; the fact that after all these years he still asks about me and regrets what didn't happen between us; these make it really hard for me to sleep at night.

I would really like to not be bipolar for like a millisecond and see what it's like to NOT be hypersexual ALL THE TIME!  Gosh.

I hate "what if"s.  I have one of those right now.  Well, I guess I have two.  But one of them is more of a "praise the Lord I never but what if."  So I am only counting the one.  And he is on my brain right now.  Stupid little brain worm.  Nothing ever really even happened between us.  We went to the same church in high school.  We had one class together.  We flirted a lot.  But we never went on a date, never kissed, never nothing.  But I have this one memory pushing to the front of brain and it won't go away no matter how hard I fight it.  It was in high school and that whole period of my life is one crazy blah.  I went to a church activity with all of the youth in my ward one day and it just happened to be at a really difficult time in my life.  (Let's face it, when isn't it a difficult time in my life?)  The two of us spent the whole day together.  We talked and joked and laughed and had a great time.  Both of our brothers, who happen to be the same age, have high functioning autism.  We both come from broken families.  We have a lot in common.  And on this day, he was just what I needed.  At this point, I had liked him for a while but this was pretty much the last nail in the casket.  There is this one particular moment of the day that sticks out more than any other.  We were having dinner as a group and the adults were making all of the youth sign giant cards for the people who made us the dinner.  He and I went up to sign the cards at the same time.  I started signing one when, instead of signing a different one or standing next to me or waiting until I was done, he leaned up against me, put his head on my shoulder, and signed the card around me.  It had been a long time since I smiled that big.  It's so stupid for me to dwell on this now, especially considering that was four years ago and I'm a grown woman now.  But nothing ever came of it!  I wanted to ask him to the girls choice dance but he already had a date.  And after the dance, he and his date became an item.  When they broke up, I was in a relationship and he had graduated anyway so he wasn't in my ward anymore.  We both left Utah at the same time nearly two years ago; he on a mission and me on my nanny escapade.  And now he is on my brain again and it is so stupid.  And I wish I could say it's just because of this most recent failure in my romantic life but it's not.  I've been thinking about him since July.  I think I should write him a letter although I don't know what good it will do.  But it wouldn't do any harm either.  I guess.

Son of a bitch

Well, boy and I have been texting and talking and everything was great.  He texted me last night to tell me he missed my smile.  I thought perhaps things would maybe work out with him.  Then he texts me today, some pretty dirty stuff I might add.  We've talked about it; he knows I am waiting and I don't want to rush into anything and I have told him this multiple times.  So I call him because I hate texting and I thought that if I call him he can hear the tone of my voice and know I'm not angry but that I just need him to understand.  When I first call him, he sounded like he freaked out a little like I was yelling at him or something before I really even said anything.  I was just asking him if he was available to talk.  He said, "WHAT?!"  And then I said I just wanted to talk to him.  And he said alright.  So I told him I wanted him to know that I am actually interested in him and I think he's really nice but I wasn't acting like myself the other night.  I don't want him to date me if he thinks I'm going to do stuff with him because I'm not.  But I really would like to get to know him.  And he says, "Ok.  Have a nice life."  And then he texts me and says, "too bad you would have liked it."  I promptly deleted his phone number and my profile on the site where I met him.  I know that in the grand scheme of things, it's a good thing it ended this way.  I honestly got the vibe that he could be a little bit scary.  So who knows what would have happened if I went on a date with him.  But all that said, it doesn't stop it from sucking.

This has pretty much been my relationship status for the last two years.  I honestly don't know why I keep doing this.  Why do I think that men are going to change?  Why do I only meet assholes?  I want to go back on my man fast but we all know how that ended.  I just get so impatient.  I wouldn't say I'm marriage hungry or really even relationship hungry.  I'm just hungry for a boy who behaves like a gentleman, treats me like a lady, takes me on a date, doesn't try to get in my pants, is satisfied with a goodnight hug, doesn't hate me for my religion, politics, or both, and who wants to see me again.  That really doesn't seem like too much to ask.

This whole blog thing is really great!  It is so much easier for me to update than a journal.  That doesn't make very much sense but I learned long ago it is best not to question my little quirks.  So boy called me back.  I suppose I should stop calling him boy.  That is my term that I use for men I've hooked up with and who I may or may not be dating.  So by those terms, I suppose he is still boy.  I will give him a human name when the time comes.  So boy called me back.  He asked if I called him last night.  I said yes.  He asked why.  I asked him about the message and if he was mad at me.  He explained it was because I didn't call and he thought I played him and blah blah blah.  I mentioned that we live on planet earth.  He mentioned it's the 21st Century.  Touche.  At least he's quick on his feet.  He said he's going to call me about a date later.  I asked several times to make sure if I was supposed to call him.  He said I could but that he would call me.  This already seems way more complicated than it should be.

Crazy Person?

So boy texted me.  And by "boy" I mean the guy I hooked up with.  He texted me.  Some pretty racy things actually.  Well, first he asked me what happened to me and did I play him.  I thought this was all playful banter and we had a fun albeit inappropriate text conversation and made tentative plans to go on a date.  Then I go back on the dating site I met him on to check out what new wierdos are emailing me (it's funny because the longer I'm on there, the older the men are that message me).  I have a message from bringthewater, his online name (what?).  And it basically says I'm f*cked up because I played him.  Woah man!  Excuse me?  I'm from planet earth and here the men call the women.  Don't get me wrong, I am fine with a girl calling a guy.  Whatever.  But I have been through the ringer so many times that I am not going to put myself out on the line like that.  And anyway, he said he'd call me.  So there.  Is this just some sort of weird miscommunication or is he a crazy person?  Can I honestly blame him?  I didn't tell him that I am literally a crazy person who is on anti-psychotics and was in a state of bipolar mania when I jumped his bones.  So I don't want to be a hypocrite.  But seriously.  Guys call the girls.  That's how it's always been.  I hate men.  Why did I end my five month fast?  Oh yes, the bipolar thing.  Of course.  I called him after I read the message.  He didn't answer and I haven't heard from him since.  So I guess I'll just wait until I hear from him again to decide what to do.

I'm an Emo kid, non-conforming as can be. . .

I'm rereading my blog and I just want everyone (and by everyone I mean anyone; someone?) that I am not Emo.  I'm not a depressed person. I'm actually fairly happy-go-lucky. I am really just trying to document my journey through my love life.  So. . . yes.

You'd think I'd learn.

I did it again.  AGAIN!!!!  I hooked up with some guy I barely know because I felt like we had some sort of connection.  I followed my "instincts."  You will soon learn I do that a lot.  As a general rule of thumb, my instincts are fairly accurate.  But when it comes to men, they are WAY off.  Anyway, I really thought we could be something.  We had very similar values.  The physical aspect of a relationship was really important to him and I resisted a little bit, but I was by no means being a prude.  I let him do things I've never let anyone do to me.  I met him that day!  And the funny thing is, I don't feel anything.  I want to.  I want to feel guilty.  I want to feel some sort of emotional attachment.  But all I feel is, "figures."

I guess it's important to start at the beginning.  I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16 because I wanted to wait.  The prophet told us not to date until we were 16 and so I did what he said.  That didn't stop me from falling in love.  Hard.  I loved this boy so much and I still have not felt anything stronger than the love I had for him.  He was my best friend and my first date.  But it took us 2 years to even kiss.  And even when we did, I was the one that had to have the guts to do it.  Don't get me wrong; during those 2 years I dated my fair share of boys, all stories for another day.  But I always loved the first one most.

He left on an LDS mission shortly after our kissing encounter.  I was under the impression that we would see what would happen when he got back.  I didn't wait for him.  Those 2 years I once again dated my fair share of boys.  I wrote him once and he never responded.  I moved on with my life.  Then one day, I just decided to try writing him again.  And he responded.  And we started writing eachother.  We didn't talk about us or where we stood.  Just about life.  I was a nanny, kind of my own mission.  We swapped stories and it was like he was my best friend again.

I moved back home (American Fork; I was living in Washington, DC) about a month before he was coming back.  I was so excited to see him.  I didn't expect things to continue where they left off, but he was my best friend for a really long time.  He saved me so many times that he doesn't even know about.  I bought a new dress and everything.  He ended up coming home a day earlier than I thought he would.  I won't lie.  I had a major anxiety attack.  For some reason I started bawling uncontrollably.  My mom basically forced me to leave the house.  I went to the gym for 2 hours and just ran on the eliptical.  Then I felt better.  Mostly.  But I knew that night I would have to face him.

I got ready, all dolled up but not too much.  I headed to his house like I always had before.  I will admit though that I circled his house probably 10 times before actually getting the courage to go in.  And when I did, he looked so excited to see me.  I was so excited to see him.  I almost felt like he had never left.  We exchanged looks and secret smiles and private eye rolls.  At least I thought we did.  I saw him a few times that week and we never talked about what was going to happen between us but I figured that would take some time.

He was going to give a talk in a church about his experience and then his family and friends were going to have a get together afterward.  I went, naturally.  And that's when I realized he never felt anything for me in the first place.  I don't know what it was.  Maybe it was the way he talked to me or the way he seemed nervous around me or the way he looked (or didn't look) at me.  But I just knew.  You have to understand, I had spent 4 whole years of my life loving this kid, never being able to get him off my mind.  And to suddenly grasp the fact that he never loved me almost killed me.  I went to the party after his talk; he mostly ignored me.  I left early.  I said maybe I'd see him around but that I was moving in a month.  I bawled for days.  This was a year ago.  I haven't seen him since.

Two months later he was engaged.  3 months after that he was married.  He was with with his wife for 5 months.  He was a part of me for nearly 5 years.  I have never felt rejection like that before in my entire life.  It was and still is heart wrenching.  In spite of that, I am so happy that he has found happiness.  Just because we didn't end up together doesn't change that fact that he was one of the most important people in my life.  It's not his fault he never felt the same way I did.  It's not his fault I got so attached to him.  But he could have handled things a lot better.  I don't blame him for my problems or my current state of promiscuity but he was definitely the spark that lit the match.

So now I'm broken.  And I'm working on fixing myself.  But I feel like my life is this constant quest to find what I felt for him only better.  And I'm not doing it in the most healthy or productive way possible.  And now it feels like I've given up on finding that and I'm just trying to fill a physical void.  I know I will figure it someday.  I will learn.  I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

Catharsis

I figure I need somewhere to write my experiences.  And somehow, writing them in a journal seems pointless.  I feel like when they are just in my journal, it's pretty much the same as them being in my head.  It's not like I want to broadcast everything I'm feeling and thinking to the world; I don't think people will care that much.  It's just somehow, sending my thoughts into cyberspace makes them valid.  It makes them real.  It's actually like I'm doing something with my experiences.  I don't really care if anybody reads this or not, but maybe if someone does, he or she will learn from what I have learned.  And maybe I will finally be able to let go of the emotions and memories that are holding me back.