Lyndsie came up with this amazing idea! She said I gave her the idea but I don't think she gives herself enough credit. We were talking one night about all the boys we've kissed and how much we need to remember them all so we don't feel like sluts. I don't necessarily feel like a slut anymore. There's this gum commercial on t.v. that says the average person has 28 first kisses. That's a lot in my mind. Anyway, here goes. If you are reading this and I have kissed you and not acknowledged you, please tell me so I may amend it.
People I have kissed and meant it:
Daniel Carter
Chase Thompson
Marc Neilson
Justin Mortensen
Travis Wright
Andrew Baker
Marco Vega
Jace Rowley
Jacob Budge
Lance Heath
Joshua Smoody
Brian Schonbeck
Jake Thomas
Laura Hawk (Granted we were playing spin the bottle, but it was a real kiss and I wanted to be able to say I've kissed a girl.)
Jon Dodart
Cole Chollet
Vincent Romero
Frank Bryant
Steve Renner
I think that is all. Wow. 19. Impressive considering I am only 21 and didn't start dating until I was 16. Only 9 more to go until I am average. How exciting.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Do you want to change your career?
Well isn't that a doosy. Yes? No? Maybe? I mean, obviously I don't want to be an afterschool coordinator for the rest of my life; but I'm thinking more along the lines of the big picture. So I will rephrase the question. Do you want to change your major? If you are reading faithfully, you will know how many problems this question is not only causing me now but has caused me in the past. The truth is I don't know. Right now I think I am so smothered by the stress of my job and life (or lack there of) and school and my quest to be pure again and find a mate and a bunch of other bull, that my brain is a swimming mess of "what the hell is going on?" and "will anything ever make sense again?" I just have to have faith that it will. In my experience, I have learned that whenever I go through these crazy crises something happens. Be it good or bad, that something is always a game changer. I don't know if this something will be an outside force or self inflicted. I suppose I will just have to wait and see. I'll keep you posted.
Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
Yes. I miss my family. I want to be with them always. I'm not saying I want to live with them because that would be ridiculous. And I guess I don't necessarily want to be so close that I tire of their presence. But I do miss them. I miss seeing Becca grow up. I miss talking to my mom all night. I miss Eric dancing. I miss shopping with my sisters. I miss watching the Discovery Channel with William. And I really miss my grandparents. I've started thinking about summer because spring is near. And that makes me think of last summer. Which was so nice. Truth be told, I loved living with my grandma and grandpa. Getting fat because they always took me out or made me nice meals. Talking with them late at night. Sleeping until 1. Working at Gold's. I really miss Gold's. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I quit. It was a whole crazy story that had to do with Recharge and I will perhaps write the whole thing down eventually. But I miss baby Brielle. Well, toddler. Anyway, that was a tangent. I wish I could conjure up my family whenever I want without having them around when I don't. Also, it would be nice to live near Nichele. At least for a bit before her mission because not seeing her for 18 months is going to suck. And then she's gonna get married and I'm going to be an old spinster. Also a tangent. Like I said above, my brain is swirly. Short answer? Yes.
Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
And this answer completely nulls the last. Yes. Always. I always wish I lived in Britain. Always. I have only spent two days of my entire life there. I had swine flu. And it was still magical. I love the music, the theater, the films, the atmosphere, the history. I just want to be in Europe and explore. And I want to raise little British kids with little British accents and marry a handsome British man and live in a cottage on a farm not far from London. I would like to research my family and find our far away relatives. I want to have tea time. I love tea time!!! I make an effort to have tea time everyday anyway. But it is so much nicer in Britain. Everything is nicer in Britain.
Well isn't that a doosy. Yes? No? Maybe? I mean, obviously I don't want to be an afterschool coordinator for the rest of my life; but I'm thinking more along the lines of the big picture. So I will rephrase the question. Do you want to change your major? If you are reading faithfully, you will know how many problems this question is not only causing me now but has caused me in the past. The truth is I don't know. Right now I think I am so smothered by the stress of my job and life (or lack there of) and school and my quest to be pure again and find a mate and a bunch of other bull, that my brain is a swimming mess of "what the hell is going on?" and "will anything ever make sense again?" I just have to have faith that it will. In my experience, I have learned that whenever I go through these crazy crises something happens. Be it good or bad, that something is always a game changer. I don't know if this something will be an outside force or self inflicted. I suppose I will just have to wait and see. I'll keep you posted.
Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
Yes. I miss my family. I want to be with them always. I'm not saying I want to live with them because that would be ridiculous. And I guess I don't necessarily want to be so close that I tire of their presence. But I do miss them. I miss seeing Becca grow up. I miss talking to my mom all night. I miss Eric dancing. I miss shopping with my sisters. I miss watching the Discovery Channel with William. And I really miss my grandparents. I've started thinking about summer because spring is near. And that makes me think of last summer. Which was so nice. Truth be told, I loved living with my grandma and grandpa. Getting fat because they always took me out or made me nice meals. Talking with them late at night. Sleeping until 1. Working at Gold's. I really miss Gold's. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I quit. It was a whole crazy story that had to do with Recharge and I will perhaps write the whole thing down eventually. But I miss baby Brielle. Well, toddler. Anyway, that was a tangent. I wish I could conjure up my family whenever I want without having them around when I don't. Also, it would be nice to live near Nichele. At least for a bit before her mission because not seeing her for 18 months is going to suck. And then she's gonna get married and I'm going to be an old spinster. Also a tangent. Like I said above, my brain is swirly. Short answer? Yes.
Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
And this answer completely nulls the last. Yes. Always. I always wish I lived in Britain. Always. I have only spent two days of my entire life there. I had swine flu. And it was still magical. I love the music, the theater, the films, the atmosphere, the history. I just want to be in Europe and explore. And I want to raise little British kids with little British accents and marry a handsome British man and live in a cottage on a farm not far from London. I would like to research my family and find our far away relatives. I want to have tea time. I love tea time!!! I make an effort to have tea time everyday anyway. But it is so much nicer in Britain. Everything is nicer in Britain.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My emotions are directly tied to the weather. It is overcast today. I am overcast today. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's not the same as depressed. Mostly it makes me pensive. I am in a thinky think place right now. I started researching acting schools again. Could I go back to that? Do I want to? What if I moved back to Salt Lake and went back to the U and went back to the ATP? I think/hope Drew has mostly fallen off the face the earth with all of his drug use/dealing so I wouldn't have to deal with him. I am 98% sure they'd take me back. I left on a good note. Or what if I decided to take time off school after I get my Associates and sign a contract with Wilhelmina? They offered me a modeling contract last summer but they also represent actors. I could just get right in. Or what if I moved to LA? Or New York? Watching the Oscars on Sunday made me realize I've never completely given up on my dream. I wish it was a more practical dream. Next Wednesday I'm going to observe a high school Spanish Class. I wasn't there the day we signed up so I got stuck with Spanish. At the very least that will help me decide if I would prefer Secondary to Elementary. If I still decide to teach. Which I can't decide. Well, I guess I don't have to decide anything today. So I won't.
What do you want to accomplish?
I hate these open ended questions. They feel so very vague. I want to accomplish a lot of things, okay?! How can I be expected to write them all down? I want to be happy. That is all. I want to enjoy my life as a spastic and indecisive person. I have a hard time accepting that I am not the kind of person who can stay still and settle down. I should stop trying to fight my tendency to fly away and just embrace it. I have learned so much about life by being the way I am. And there is so much left for me to learn. God made me this way and this way I shall stay. So I want to accomplish the ability to be as tolerant of myself as I am of others. And to love my life and love the journey I am taking. And also, I want to get to Heaven.
What do you want to accomplish?
I hate these open ended questions. They feel so very vague. I want to accomplish a lot of things, okay?! How can I be expected to write them all down? I want to be happy. That is all. I want to enjoy my life as a spastic and indecisive person. I have a hard time accepting that I am not the kind of person who can stay still and settle down. I should stop trying to fight my tendency to fly away and just embrace it. I have learned so much about life by being the way I am. And there is so much left for me to learn. God made me this way and this way I shall stay. So I want to accomplish the ability to be as tolerant of myself as I am of others. And to love my life and love the journey I am taking. And also, I want to get to Heaven.
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